Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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