Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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