If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
