he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
