I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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