if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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