Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
