im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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