I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
