we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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