well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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