i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
