So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
