I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
