mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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