He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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