I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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