true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
