Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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