Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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