the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so that wasnt chicken after all
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
