so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
