i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
