i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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