i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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