haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
