At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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