Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
