I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
