i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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