I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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