Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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