apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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