why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The best revenge is premature balding
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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