I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I understand Curling. That high.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
