We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
