the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
