i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Can I color on your dick again?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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