watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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