hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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