Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
