her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
