Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
