we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
