i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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