My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize