dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
