shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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