i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
