omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text