Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.