I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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