so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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