i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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