fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
the liver wants what the liver wants
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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