I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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