I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You made out with two different species that night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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