Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
