I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
