Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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