When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
